Episode 19 I Don’t Wanna!: When Sex Becomes a Chore

Hi Corrie & Trey,

I just discovered your podcast and have enjoyed listening to your episodes on “When Sex Becomes a Chore.” I know this was posted a while a go, but I am wondering if you are still available to answer some questions about this topic.

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years and we have a beautiful six-year-old girl. It is so rare for us to have any quality time alone together. She interrupts us talking constantly, even though we try and teach her repeatedly that she needs to sometimes be patient and wait, etc. Mostly it’s because she is so excited to see daddy when he gets home from work, and she just wants his undivided attention. If we do talk on weeknight evenings, it is mostly just logistical stuff, filling each other in on our days, etc. My husband has to get up very early for work, so he is often in bed long before I am. No time for sex on weekdays. On weekends, we are busy doing things around the house or having family time, or doing activities together as a family. And at night we are just so darn tired after we finally get the kid in bed, and the house is cleaned up.

So my first question is with four kids, WHEN do you possibly have time to have sex?
I am just wondering how other couples with young kids find time to do it.
I notice that the longer we go without having sex, the harder it is for us to break the ice and actually do it. We both feel kind of awkward about it and don’t quite know how to initiate. We are used to being in this role as parents, housemates, loving but not very sexy, and it can be hard to remember (for me at least) that sex is something that we enjoy, that we really should do more often. The longer we go without doing it, the harder it is to find a way back into that connection. Mostly because the busyness of our lives just takes over.
It’s probably true that we just need to schedule it, and make it a priority, have a date night once a week or something. I am thinking that this might be something that we need to strive for. But another thing to “schedule in,” which is not always easy to do.

Next question: You mentioned that Corrie uses a “battery powered device.” I have thought of getting a vibrator, but haven’t actually done this. Do you have one that you recommend?
I am one of those women that can take up to 30+ minutes to reach orgasm. It RARELY happens during sex, and my husband is long finished when I am just building up excitement.
This has been frustrating for me, and I sometimes will take matters more into my own hands.
It sounds like Corrie orgasms much easier than I do. Does the vibrator really make a big difference?
I would love it if I could orgasm more easily. I also find myself building up frequently, but I have a hard time completely relaxing and letting go into orgasm with my husband there. Is this common? How can I learn to just relax and let go during sex?

I would also say that for mothers I think it is really common to not be thinking of sex all the time, because honestly, so much of our energy goes to our kids. We are touched all the time, we are always attending to another person’s needs, we are always on the go, and by the end of the day we are exhausted. My body just doesn’t feel sexy at the end of the day. Morning sex no longer exists for us, as who can wake up before their kids? I love my sleep. And in the middle of the day, there is too much to do, and a kid around to boot. And the thought of being interrupted by her is also very unsexy. Do you know what I mean? It feels like two different parts of my personality- either I’m a mom or a sex kitten. How could I possibly be both? Maybe it’s cultural conditioning, or conditioning from childhood. I mean my mom was just my mom, definitely not a sex kitten. How to stay desiring and open to that when the possibility does arise?

Thanks for taking the time to read this post! I enjoyed listening to your podcast- and yes, I also love The Five Love Languages book. I should say, I haven’t actually read the book, but my husband and I know about it and have tried to practice it some, when we can remember to do so. We heard some advice recently from someone to have a family meeting where we all talk about what makes us feel loved- to include our daughter in this too. I think it’s a great idea.

Thanks again and blessings,
Rebecca